· · · the world keeps spinning and whenever i just start to think it's going in super slow-motion, it just so happens to pick up at ludacris speed. i wonder if i can be the heart in all of this. i wonder if i'm strong enough, if i'm smart enough---even if i'm worthy enough to do it all.
just when i start to really get to know them, to convert my perception of them from just co-workers to friends, the more ridiculous it gets. their lives become my life, their problems become my problems, and i get so lost in it all because i begin to care about them more than just as familiar faces. the savior part of me wants to take over. i want to make their lives better, i want to let them know that everything will be okay. everything will work itself out for the better. ---i dont even know if i actually believe in half of the shit i just said, but i know that i believe in their abilities to do wonderful things. they're smart, but horribly unmotivated and i dont know why. i dont know if they're here in the "zoo" because they're lazy or if they doubt themeselves that much. i have come to believe that i actually work in some sort of limbo for those who haven't really found their way, their true purpose for holding all of the knowledge they have. it's easy to get caught up in working here. everything you do becomes so mechanical. tedious, tiring, but systematic. we are these machines just waiting to figure out how to pull the strength to evolve. i always told myself that the most i'd ever have to do here was one year. one year.
i gave myself one year to figure out if i want to stay in southern california or if it's time for me to move onto another adventure elsewhere, most likely out of california. i love my holyland, but it will always be just that. it'll never change and although i am socal snot at heart, i sorta feel like i'm not meant for this right now. i will be someday, but just not now. i have more evolving of my own to do before i can settle back in here. i still dont know what i'm going to do. at the very core, i want to do well on the gre, i want to get out and experience new places that will change my view of the world yet again. i know i'll be terrified, but i know it'll be good for me. i know this because i was terrified to move here and start a life being surrounded by people i had never known before. i came into this company feeling small, innocent, juvenille and here i am walking away with an expanded perception of those older than me and how even though i feel like such a baby, i can still walk into a situation knowing no one and walk out making connections with people despite age. it's strange, but i kinda feel like i'm becomming a part of this new family where i am like a baby sister.
and of course, as the baby sister, i would never do --or wish to do anything to hurt those older than i. erie has become a big sister to me for a long time and i don't think i can handle julie vying for sharon to promote me 2 levels when both erie and rochelle have been waiting for months for their promotions to tech lvl 1 hasn't become active. i think i'm going to seriously hurt them by just jumping over and up to lvl 2 when we're all equals right now. she wants to do it because we're desperate. our supervisor is nuts and with mike suddenly quitting, sharon thinks it's smart to bring in other people from completely random departments to become our new lvl 2 tech. julie knows that between me, rochelle, and erie, that i am the only to actually have a background in microbiology. the other 2 are biochem and genetics people. she knows it'll be a lot easier to put me in a level 2 spot quicker than the both of them because of my previous experiences with diagnosing pathogenic bacteria. i should be happy. i should bee ecstatic. it's a reward for being patient in my field. i'll get paid a lot more. i dont know why i am finding all of this so daunting.
meanwhile, half of me can only see all of this as more things pulling me from leaving, from observing more of the world. i don't know what i'm doing, my heart and logic are pulling in opposite directions and i don't know who to trust more. i have to earn you. she said that's the only way you are able to be with the one you're meant for. you have to do everything you can to earn that person and i am trying so hard to do this just hoping that you're there at the end of it all.
in an act to save everyone in my department from the emo plague that seems to be spreading rapidly, i thought about an crazy that i dont even know if it's even possible to create such a thing with little background in the business world. we're just a bunch of lost microbiologists trying to do what we do best without the sensless pressure from above. we could do it, we could do it amazingly well. i just have no clue of how or what to do. they're so much smarter than me. i could be their heart, i could keep them motivated. i'm good at taking over as people's hearts when they lose hope. i just hope that i am as good at doing this as i think i am.
· · · i'm fascinated by how much i used to pour out my soul onto this thing and how every single time i try to do it now, i just can't.
i've lost the words. i've lost the will. i've lost the voice, the opinion, the reason for trying.
i can't tell if that's a good or bad thing. i guess i've really changed a lot from the person who started this at the age of 16. ---but it's not like anyone cares or notices to care about how i've become this.
maybe i've become tired of screaming to a deaf, stubborn audience.
· · · just when i think i'm doing ok, i see something or someone says something that just makes everything crumble. i guess i should be thankful or seeing your pictures. i guess i should also feel thankful for how horrible they made me feel. at least now i've got a reason to erase you. the sooner i manage that, the sooner something stupid like seeing your pictures won't hurt me anymore. it just emphasizes the fact that we're just broken and there's nothing i can do to fix that. i think i'm still amazed at how i've come full circle with knowing you and that this is the end of where our lives intertwine. be realistic, we both know i'll never see them again. take good care of them and the best of luck being happy.
i hate work. i hate where i work. i hate how unfairly i feel i'm being treated. i hate that i feel like i can't get out of it, that i'm confined to it because i live here. i hate that i still need that stupid letter. wtf.
· · · sometimes, i hate the fact that i care about certain people so much. it allows them to inflict way too much senseless damage out of pure carelessness. i think i do this because i'm the friend that makes it a point to pull through in the end. i might be a whiner, i might bitch a lot, and i might have stupid tantrums here and there, but i'm always there for someone at the very end.
sometimes, i hate loving you. you ignore me when i'm hurt and you put yourself above other people's problems. you used to be so selfless and compassionate. i dont know what happened. i hope i learn to let go someday. i think i get a little better each day. at least i'm starting to get used to being ignored via telephone and that's a good start, right? you're just entirely unreachable for me and i dont know how i can support a profoundly amazing relationship with someone who just seems so completely emotionally and physically unavailble. i just end up hurting myself thinking about you and what we could be. wishful thinking's a bitch and a half, seriously.
my phone forced me to listen to all of my saved voicemails today, since it does that every month to make sure it doesnt delete ones you really want to keep. 90% were from you, most of them saying things like "hey, i just called to say hi and to tell you that i'm thinking about you. i miss you lots and hope you're having a good day". god, do i miss that version of you. my heart sank as i tried scrolling through each of these messages. you're not him. you're not the guy i fell for. i dont know where he went, but i miss him completely. i thought about deleting these old messages, i should have. it probably would have been mentally healthy for me to do so, but i couldnt get myself to push the button. i loved that man with every cellular component of my being. i wish he didnt vanish. i wish he was here ---even if it was just to hold me for a minute.
i need to stop writing this. it's breaking my heart.
· · · i miss you all the time.
· · · is there such thing as postpartum depression for taking the mcat?
i know that there's no massive hormonal change just from taking a freaking test, but ever since the exact second i finished, i've been miserable and cranky. the test was only 2 days ago i have been going out for the past 2 nights. people keep saying how surprised they are about seeing me out and how they expected me to just mope around in seclusion for a while. maybe i should have. maybe that's why i'm being a bitch. i'm not giving myself enough me-space to deal with the fact that i crossed a huge hurdle in my life and no need to focus on moving on and moving out. i dont know.
i hate it when people question my intentions. it makes me question my intentions when i didnt think i had any negative ones to start with. i wonder if they're right and i wonder if i really dont know wtf i want.
i dont want to be in the same place i was a year ago. i know i dont. i know that what i went through in order to get to today was painful and that i would not wish to experience that ever again.
i'm trying to figure myself out and how to manage my many vices. it isnt easy and it's hard to fight your natural tendencies, but i'm trying because i want to be good. i want to be great.
i'ms scared. i'm terrified. i have to let go of people who i am slowly becoming increasingly more annoyed with. i have to figure out how to see past the irritation for who they are so that when we split, it won't be with the creation of a fault-line.
i want to cry. i dont want to leave bed. i dont want to talk to the world. well, maybe i do, just not the world i'm so familiar with. that's probably why i've been a little antsy to go out to random places in sacramento to hang out with people i dont know.
i dont know why i always come to this intersection.
· · · i've started to wonder if apathy is enough to be able to get over a bad situation and move on. i mean, it's great to be apathetic and numb when you remember something bad in the past. it's better than feeling hurt, but i guess what i want to know is: is apathy enough to keep you from feeling hurt by a sad situation ever again? i can say that there's a lot i don't care about anymore that used to make me cry all the time. there are also particular people who i can also say i honestly dont care about when once upon a time, they were the world to me. people change, life changes, i've changed, but i wonder if i'm just letting myself out the easy way by becoming apathetic. i think i'm writing this because i've been feeling like i am going nowhere with my life, since all i've been doing since i graduated was my mcat class while other friends of mine have moved away, gotten jobs, and have begun living on their own. i'm continually being told that i am doing something with my life, taking the mcat is a big something and that when it's all over, i'll feel like i've accomplished a lot. i hope they're right because i've been feeling the need to get up and dive into the whole working thing when i'm already going to be doing it as of august, when i move to irvine for a year at least. i just feel like my life is so static because my attention span for studying for the mcat has flown out the window. hopefully, i have another kick in the ass to get myself back in gear soon.
so back to what i was saying about apathy and bad things that have happened. i'm wondering if i not only need to be apathetic, but i also maybe need to throw some forgiveness into the mix. i mean, i know i hold grudges and stuff, but i've felt that some things i just cant forvgive people for doing. however, maybe i need to figure out how. i recognize and appreciate the fact that if those bad things had not happened, i'd still be with who i shouldnt, but i think that maybe i'm misinterpreting my anger at myself for letting me becomeso badly hurt as anger at someone for being a complete ass. i'm not trying to say that those people arent bad people, they still are, but to admit that they're entirely at fault is to say that i didnt ignore any warning signs of a downfall, which would be a lie. i chose to ignore them, i chose to not listen to myself when i should have. what i think i need to forgive is myself for ever being a part of any of that. i need to accept that i made bad choices too. everyone will get to where they're supposed to be along their individual timelines and maybe by recognizing that i was there during those sad times will help me get to where i need to be. i dont particularly like reading my old entries because they make me feel 2 things: i was naive and that i wasted so much time worrying, which leads me to continue denying being in those past situations. maybe when i learn to love the girl in those stories for who she is, i might be able to be happy with who i've become.
· · ·
i guess i'm trying to say i'm sorry, but it always comes out wrong.
i think a part of you still loves me even though we're moving on.
always, all ways, i wanted us to be.
always, all ways, you and me.
and i wait here on my own,
and i wait for you to see,
all the time i spend alone now won't comfort me.
and i'm sorry for what happened, but i want you there to see
that i'm changing all my actions, i don't wanna set you free.
always, all ways, i want to see you through.
always, all ways, me and you.
and i wait here on my own,
and i wait for you to see,
all the time i spend alone now won't comfort me.
'cause i'm waiting for you. yeah, i'm waiting for you.
give me answers, get me through, i will wait always, all ways.
· · · 5 weeks down to freedom, freedom from davis. it's weird for me to say that because it's something i could only dream of over the past 4 years and now that i can almost breathe it, it just feels weird to understand as a reality. this new freedom is scarying me in multiple ways. it's make me act strangely towards others and it may or may not be a bad thing.
it was established that figuring out what to do with your life could only be accomplished on your own, and so by isolating yourself from outside factors, those choices could be made. the fact is, it doesnt matter how many miles i can pull myself from outlying forces, if they still exist in my mind, they might as well exist 2 feet away because they still give the same effect no matter how far i push myself away from them. the truth is that i want to get better, i want to heal from this. i want to be happy with myself, with the fact that i did what i could and although things may not have worked out the way i would have liked, i can still be happy with the outcome anyway. you'd think this would be somewhat of an easy task, it's simply what people have to do whenever something ends. the problem i'm facing is that i don't think i can make a choice in which way to direct my healing process until my influencing factors can make a choice on me. i keep thinking, i keep hoping that someda things will be better, but i cant be sure. i'm not psychic. is it unfair of me to cheat myself out of going on with my life because i would rather wait out until there is no hope in you for me at all? absolutely. it's horribly unfair against myself. i just want to feel better. i want to be out of limbo. i cant choose which side i want to walk out of though. i dont want to give up on you, but who am i to say that you havent given up on me already, right? you probably have, that would make the way i feel seem plausable. you either do something or you dont. you either want someone or you dont. you either love someone enough to be with them or you dont. i need to keep drilling this into my head, so i understand why hanging on this hope will only do more damage when all i want is to get better. i want to be happy with my life. if you cant make up your mind about me, then i'll have to go with what i think you made your mind up about me to be. will i be wrong? i'll probably never know. i've never called myself psychic. i just want to stop feeling hurt. i keep pretending to be okay when i go out. i keep smiling to everyone in hopes that them believing in me being fine will finally convince myself to think that i really am fine. the show keeps going and i am not okay. not having a direction to heal is making me stay in the same, painful spot. i want to feel better.
· · · i came to a few conclusions during my time in self-inflicted isolation for this whole weekend. i think that this is probably the most devastating thing that has ever happened to me in my entire life. i think i can let another version of me die again. i think i can pick myself up to figure this all out again. i think i walk this circle to remember why i care at all again.
it breaks my heart more and more each day to know how powerless i've become. no matter what i do, think, or say....you just won't be there on the other side. i keep beliving in it, i keep trying to reason it out, but it's still the same. i think at this point maybe all i'm doing is lying to myself in thinking that you ever will be. i've been here before. this very same spot, screaming out to nothing at all. the time i spent in this place has been different each time. once, it was for one month, another it was for 3 months---other times it maybe lasted for a few weeks, and all there is was silence. why do you have to do what they did? why do you have to become what they are? how many months will i be here this time? why do i deserve this? will i still feel the same when it's over? the amount of pain i felt each time was heavier the longer i had to spend my time in this spot. this spot, i should call it my friend since i've seen it so many times before. it's times like these where i can only think these things: i wish i could stop crying over this, the east coast is calling, i've got to work on being better at being fake because this will probably lead to me ending up being married to some douchebag in the future who i will never love like i love you so i might as well drown whatever sense of feeling i have and accept my destiny as a trophy wife, and i will always miss you. i wish i was never me. this is all i'm meant to be, some empty shell without you. i understand now why some people out in the world are with people they don't truly love. every one lies to themselves at some point about the things they need in life, and when they realize this, they're unable to turn time backwards.
· · · i am making a list. someday, i will understand it and what i am to do because of it.
i should move away, far, far away. that seems to be the only thing saving me in this whole process.
talking does nothing, physically being around does nothing, not talking does nothing, i am nothing.
· · · sometimes, guys have a really good way of making a girl feel like absolute trash. why they usually seem to choose to do this sometime after they've slept with the girl, i do not know.
thanks for making me feel like that's the real reason why you even cared about talking to me at all.
· · · i just keep telling myself that if i do this, if i live through this moment, one day i will earn my absolute happiness. when i learn to look past myself, my ego, and my faluts, i'll actually understand pure love when it stands before me. it hurts repeating these things every time. these moments are all i have. i have no choice but to live through them or die by them.
time is all i ever seem to be both full of and yet be constantly running out of at the same time. time to heal, time to feel sad, time to feel angry, time to understand, time to fight the good fight, time to revel in joy----there's never enough, but it's all everyone seems to need. how many times does my heart have to be broken for someone's selfish bitterness to finally feel satisfied?
this is for you, chronos. i will give you all of the pain you want if you give me nothing but time to be happy. i will give you every tear if you give me nothing but time to be with someone to believe in. every choking breath, every sleepless night, every bad dream, every crushed hope, every stained memory---all of it, you can take it all in exchange for this. my happiness, my love, will be worth all of this.
· · · sometimes, the best treatment is just simply cutting the infection out.
i don't know what i'm doing anymore or even why it is that i am here.
· · · i'm beginning to more and more feel like i'm a slave to my own life. i have choices, but i feel like don't have the power to make a decision. i can only sit here and hope that what i love always remains close where ever i am.
you don't choose who you love, it chooses you.
the greatest lesson i learned this whole summer was one of the biggest ones i have tried to help my friends learn in their lives from time to time: dauntless, unconditional patience. how strangely ironic that not only i be the one to learn this when i have countless times helped others understand, but that i feel the pure stinging pain of learning it as if i had never before. the core of your soul can't be wrong and to cover that voice, to shut it out because of your own pride and stubbornness, is to deny yourself of the happiness destined for you. maybe this is why i feel like such a slave. during every day of this summer, i felt pieces of my own willfulness stripped away while i cried from the pain of learning absolute patience. there is no fastforward button and there never will be. to have a future, you have to build it yourself and if some stupid bratty 5 year old knocks your castle or if it becomes the victim of the tide, it is your choice to live with a mound of dirt or to continue building a magnicient piece of work. i will have my castle one day and i will have my sword no matter how hard either of them will be to make.
· · · happy birthday, i love you tons x1000! may it be the bestestestestestest birthday you've had yet.
try to not let my babies have any of the alcohol funness i'm sure you'll be having, i dunno if they can handle tequila. they're african, not mexican. :] take care of your tummy and try to not come home with any yucky birthday cuts or bruises!
always and forever,
marshmallow baby whale
· · · to get anything good in life, you have to work hard, pray hard, and dream hard. you have to hope against hope and hope even in the darkest of moments. to do so can be seen as borderline insane, but i don't think there's any better way to live. anything else would just be boring and dull. i was told that it's better to go out in an explosion than it is to simply rust. i won't give up, i can't give up. these will be hope's finest moments.
courage, it would seem, is nothing less than the power to overcome danger, misfortune, fear, and injustice, while continuing to affirm inwardly that life with all its sorrows is good; that everything is meaningful even if in a sense beyond our understanding; and that there is always tomorrow. I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge, myth is more potent than history, dreams are more powerful than facts, hope always triumphs over experience, laughter is the cure for grief, and love is stronger than death.
· · ·
I'm looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love.
i never really cease to amaze myself with how much i try to do something thinking that it will work out right when it just ends up exploding back in my face. i don't want another. i don't want to breathe the air next to another. i don't want to feel the arms of another. i don't want to hear the voice of another. i don't want to feel the warmth of another. i don't want any of it, and no matter what i do, no matter how much i think what i'm doing will show how much i care, it just doesn't seem to be doing anything at all. the desperation of a girl willing to throw herself away even to become the dirt on the bottom of a man's shoe simply for the fact that even as something insignificant as dirt, she'd be with her love always. always, all ways. i don't want to know what it feels like to feel like doing insane things, to want to become something small and pointless just so i can be a part of anyone else. i don't want to be this crazy for anyone else. i don't want to want anyone else. i don't want to know the taste of another. i don't want to know the smell of another. i don't want to know the mind of another. i don't want to know the scent of another. i don't want to know of another holding my soul. i am human, i am small, i am a crybaby, i am terrified of so much, i hide from being hurt, i am afraid to let people in, i am afraid to let people out, i am not psychic, i don't understand how the world works, i don't understand how peoplw work, i don't understand how i sometimes work, i don't understand how logic overrides driven passion. i want to become air, i want to become oxygen. that way, i'd be with you always, always and forever and you'd never be angry. you can burn me, step on me, freeze me, stab me, or shoot me and i'd still feel the same. to live for every breath you take. i don't want to feel this for anyone else. i don't want to dream a future with anyone else. i don't want to have a future with another. this is the problem with free will, free will allows for the inevitability that humans are doomedto faulter every now and then despite their complexity--and sometimes, it happens because of their complexity, but although there is the power for humans to have free will, no all humans will forgive the mishaps that result from having the freedom of choice. not everyone will forgive mistakes and not everyone will understand how to avoid making them until they have been made. you can love someone so crazy much to do anything for him, and yet he can still tell you that you're full of shit, you don't know what you're talking about, you're selfish, you're a liar, and to go away----he'll deny himself from seeing how much you care because you didn't look before you acted, you didn't think before you spoke, you didn't plan well enough to see how your own actions could be misunderstood from what you wanted and therefore harmful or even how your own inherent habits can hurt others. all you have to look for is what is in the core of your heart, the one thing you will never escape. i don't want to feel like this for another. i don't want another. not in this life, not in the next, and not even in any after that. all i found when i looked was you.
· · · so when is it that a heart truly stops beating? when you throw youself, soul and all, for the world to see and that one person it was meant for turns away for good. that is when a heart truly stops beating. it kinda feels like a part of you is in a coma and dying, but you don't know how to stop it.
if goodbyes are all that are left, then i will go down with the coma without a single whimper. you can't have the greatest thing in the world when you don't go through absolute hell to earn it.
· · · there's so much in this world and in people i have yet to understand. so much i have yet to gain any insight to, and i won't stop until i live it, understand it, and make it my own. i can and will become so much more and i have so much admiration and love for those who've been with me this far. through you, i've learned that reality IS an actual bitch, but that i can overcome it. i've learned that hope IS real, but that i'm the determining factor in whether or not it's lost. through your selflessness, i am stronger for myself and for others. i am as much of a part of you as you are of me and therefore, we'll never be far apart. your strength, your courage, your faith in the world--all of it, because of it, i know i can remember what it is to be the one with endless love for everything, just like i was before all of the pain became internalized. i can only hope that through the years to come that you know that i'm here for you as much as you've ever been for me and more. thank you.
· · · i may be stupid and i may be retarded, but this stupid little retard loves you and is the only one who has any credibility to even say that. this stupid little retard loves you---every single part of you, even the stubborn, clumsy, and naive parts---
all of it. and there's nothing you can say that will ever change that.
· · · someday, i going to make someone so proud of me---someone so happy to ever love me for who i am, who i was, and who i'll become. someday, i'll be asleep in the arms of someone who will love me for the person i created myself to be despite all of the bad things i may have ever done. someday, i won't hurt like this anymore. i won't hurt like this anymore and someday, someone's going to love me for feeling the things i feel and for knowing what it's like to feel them. someday, i won't cry anymore. i won't cry anymore and someday, i'll know why crying was such a waste of time when all i had to do was wait until someday when someone would love me and be proud of me for becoming the person i dreamed of. someday, i'm going to make someone the happiest person in the world. someday, someone's going to love me and be proud of me for going through the things i have. someday, someone will understand me completely and i will no longer feel emptyness. i will make a world of my own someday with someone who isn't afraid to understand me completely. i get a little better each day because i know that someday, i want to be a truly good person. the choices that defend are also the choices that separate. someday, someone's going to smile at me for working so hard to be what i will become. someday, i will not know saddness. so even though my tears stream today, someday, i won't have a reason to cry anymore.
· · · nice thing for the day: i like how smart i can be if i really, actually try. i it makes me feel like i still have so much potential to go out there and do great things in the world. i was crazy enough to contemplate taking an LSAT and becoming a lawyer just for the hell of it, haha. and then i was like hmm...i think i wanna be a senator--WHEN I KNOW JACK SHIT ABOUT POLITICS. HA. and then i wanted to become an actress so that everyone i know can see me as a famous person and be like wooooooooow, i was just on the phone with her and now i see her on my tv. it's amazing what effects the people around you have on you and the things they make you wanna do sometimes. maybe i should stick to my clinical microbiology plan, right? ---since that's the field i seem to know the most about. lauren thinks i should go for the real world just because i seem like a good person for it---me and my mixed ethnicities. :B kristen's looking into going to grad school in alabama and laura already went back to utah, leaving me to wonder where i will end up 2 years from now. kristen keeps punking me into looking into going to the east coast, but am i east coast-material? i don't want to end up picking some place and then hating it later but having to stay there for another 4 years of my life. i already went down that road and davis sucked balls. although, this could just end up like her scheme of wanting to go to michigan and then leaving me to be the only one of us to actually apply and get in TO END UP NOT EVEN GOING AT ALL. ....maybe i'll just go into being a fashion designer and be on project runway. that'd be fun. ugh. i've been watching way too much fushigi yuugi at a time thanks to michelle. it's made me become sappier over the past few days. x.x i want my own tamahome. ;-;! silly japanese and their japanese romances. BLAH. i finished reading the andromeda strain yesterday and now i have nothing left to read. i keep going back and forth to barnes and noble thinking that i'd pick something new each time, but do i? NO. indecisive jojo the bear kicks in and i can never make up my mind and and and alicia hasn't been doing a good job of helping me decide. my tummy hurts. ugh, this is one of those lameo hypyeritized entries...wow, i don't think i've had one of these for a while. o_o no philosophical jojo the bear today. i blame the tummy ache.
i'll always be here for you. no matter where you go or what you do, if it makes you happy, i will go on knowing that the one i care about is truly happy. the ones in your heart are never really far away.
oh shit, i lied, i guess philosopical jojo the bear popped out for a second. ok ow, the tummy ache needs to stop.
· · · i was told today that my problem might be rooted as far as being the result of a self-esteem issue. i go out looking for attention from others to prove to myself that i am worth something. it was weird having that brought up. i never thought about my issues like that, but it kinda made a little sense. my family makes me feel dumb all the time, and how i got past it as a little girl was by making myself the genius who would save the figueroa name in order to show them that i am worth more than the stupid things they tell me all the time. ha, this is so weird for me to be hearing because it makes me think of how in europe, my friend alex told me that i could never be truly emo because i "love myself too much" and it just cracked me up. i guess she may have a point though. so to be really cheesy and to start, i have to say nice things i like about myself. :] so here goes: i like how even though i am put up to doing things i don't like doing sometimes, i'm still able to see through them to the end, like going to school in davis. i always hated being there, but i like how even though being there never made me happy, that i still saw it through to the end [ or soon will be as of december 2006 ]. there were so many times where i just wanted to drop out and live a different life like some of my other friends who don't go to school, but i didn't give up on myself to see it through. new nice thing to come tomorrow.
i thought about the huge fight kristen and i had 5 years ago a lot today. it's amazing what stuff that kid and i have been through. i thought about how hurt, devastated, and betrayed i felt during the 8 months she refused to speak to me in school. and honestly, for all of the sweat and tears i lost for that girl, i would do it all over again in a heartbeat if i had to. i'm not saying that i'm glad we did fight for that long, but in a sense, i kinda am. it was over the dumbest thing ever, and we'd never fought like that before. it just went to show me that just one bad phase does not justify saying that an entire relationship with someone is bad. granted, it was a long slump to go through, but in the end, i think it was worth it. for the amount of suffering she made me go through, i could have easily just been like fuck no, you're a fat bitch, go away when she finally decided to speak to me again. i'm so glad i didn't. i couldn't. i loved her too much to just turn her away when she finally did decide to snap out of it. it's kinda funny though, because when i think about it now, i think having that huge fight made us better friends in the end. sure it was a little weird when we finally did start talking again, but it didn't take us to long to just be the friends we were before the fight because we remembered why we were such good friends in the first place. it's so weird to think about it now because i see that time and think...wow, we were so just never meant to fight because even when we do, it's so dumb and pointless. it only went to show me that a: i am capable of being a better person through those around me who do take the time to help me, b: everyone i love has me for life. you can kick me in the face a million times over and i will still come back for you because we're tied together by things much stronger than what's on the surface. oh, and c: when people really are valuable to you, there's no way you can refuse to let them back in. you can try however long you like, but the heart does not lie, so there really is no sense in kidding yourself when your soul knows that you need that person to be in your life. holding pointless grudges are a waste of time and energy. it costs more energy to be negative than it does to fix things, but people are so afraid of fixing things because they're afraid of accepting that humans are not perfect. we can only aspire to be, but we're all doomed to fucking up every now and then. what matters are the choices to make to bounce back. do you become the better person and let it go? or do you become the cocky prick and hold onto it forever? i could never hold that war against her just because i care about her too much. she is just too valuable of a friend for me to not forgive her. losing her forever would probably hurt me a million times more than what i had to go through in the 8 months we didn't speak to each other and why would i let my own pride do such a thing to me?
damn, i think i had a lot more common sense back then, hahah. so anyway, i have to remember what it's like to be willing to do anything for the people i care about. i know i think about it a lot, but it is easier to just push people away and convince yourself of being better off not being with that person than it is to risk multiple heartbreaks. ah, i remember those days. i just don't know how i lost sight of that. i'd stare up at the sky in the middle of the night and just wonder what it'd be like to find someone worth dying for. being hurt messes ideas like that though. being hurt makes you see how putting yourself on the line for someone may not be as nice of a thought as you once had. i don't want to be stuck believing this for the rest of my life. i want someone worth dying for, faults, quirks, everything.
maybe our mistakes are what make our fate. without them, what would shape our lives? perhaps if we never veered off course, we wouldn't fall in love, or have babies, or be who we are. after all, seasons change. so do cities. people come into your life and people go. but it's comforting to know the ones you love are always in your heart. it's hard to find people who will love you no matter what. maybe the past is like an anchor holding us back. maybe, you have to let go of who you are to become who you will be. · · · this is all stupid and horribly immature. i'm saying everything to a computer that i would be saying to you if you'd only let me. i'm doing this because no matter where our lives go from this day on, i refuse to go on knowing that i never said any of this. someday, you might read this. maybe you won't. someday, you might even care about what i have to day. maybe you won't. you might even think that all i have to say is stupid. either way, i won't go out knowing that i never got it all out somehow.
i think i have enough to back up when i say that everything i ever loved has and did somehow just drop me and run off into jkdfbnjkdbfdskland, leaving me in that ever so familiar state of not knowing what the fuck to do or where the fuck to go with life many, many times. i couldnt allow this to happen with you. however, life has had this funny way of having me be the girl that would throw her heart into things to only end up just being plain used.
it wasn't until the day when i did the whole archery thing that things began to flip over. i managed to get all of my arrows within one of those rectangles and you looked over at me and said that i could probably kill something if every a mad crazy mob of orcs came running at me. in that second of you smiling down at me, i felt different. i was happy, esctatic, and most of all, i loved you.
...and then i had to get shipped off back to davis. i'm such an idiot when i love people. i'm already an attention whore from the start, but when i love people, i only demand 9028490735x more from that person, and when i don't get it, i just get sad and depressed. this, however, wasn't my issue. my issue was that i knew i loved you and therefore would somehow be dropped by you in the future at some random given moment that i'd never expect. maybe you'd get bored of me being an atention whore, maybe you'd find someone more intellucally fascinating, maybe you'd like someone prettier someday because she'd be what i lack, i don't know, but that's always been what i've lost to. so, i never really asked why out of nowhere everything just went to absolute shit when you had just seen me only days before, but knowing you---and you hopefully really being the person i thought understood me the most must have noticed that something was just plain wrong with me. there really was. i could never throw away everything i believe in on some stupid moments of pure heartless idiocy. i don't even think i'm physically capable of doing such a thing. anyway, knowing that i loved you and that karma hates me loving people, i knew that i was sure in for some bumpy roads ahead. being the idiot i am, i started go to out on the defensive route thinking that i couldn't let you hurt me like they have. slowly, i became consumed with this idea and therefore took evasive action. i started thinking about every possible negative reason for me to get out, all of which were things i thought of in the beginning, but had no magnitde then since i didn't care about you as much then as i did now. everything just changed. stupid things started to annoy me, things that i never gave a shit about before. bottom line: i was running away from a future that didn't even exist. i was being horribly, horribly stupid. but it made sense, making the shell around yourself so that the things you care about the most can't be what hurts you the greatest in life. i adored you so much.
you see, i never thought that i fit in with your world, not even from the beginning simply because it's all covered with ghosts of one of the worst times of my life. i already knew that, and i knew that you would be a much different person if you were without it. i'd never change you. i know that i have issues just putting things away and that i'd have to work on accepting everything as just they was they are, but when i left myself wide open to destruction by loving you, using it as an excuse to run was just too easy. it's bullshit, but it was easy. although shame on me for thinking that because i know that people only get stronger by what they go through and even though the matt situation was awful, it did lead me to know that hope is a wonderful thing when you invest it into the right people. you can't just throw it out freely.
i never wanted someone more controlling. i just kept right on making another excuse for me wanting more attention----i never meant to say this, but i was lashing out from being sad about not being able to see you more than i was able to. you made me so happy, happy even though you weren't physically there for me all the time. it was the best 6 months that i'd seen in such a long time.
....and so the insanity continued. i hung out with my med micro people after our lab final and it was fun, because it was the last time we'd all be together since most of them graduated and whatnot. i considered my table [ even eugene ] to be older brothers to me---and that's exactly how they would talk to me in class and whatnot, so i thought it was safe for me to hang out with them. i mean, semyon's totally normal, so, i thought till would be too. i didn't know that he intended for anything between us to happen. he met you. he had a girlfriend. i never thought he would try to kiss me--especially since there was only like a week before school ended, so it was a massive kick in the ass. i wanted to tell you when it happened, but i knew you'd flip out, so, i decided to investigate the situation before i ran into stupid conclusions that would make you angry. this is why i didn't say much during finals week other than me studing my ass off for my bright, shinning 3.5. i had to see him every day since he was in a class with me monday-friday, and it was just weird. i had nothing else to talk about with that being the current event at the time and i couldn't talk about it with you. i didn't mean to ignore you or to seem like i hated you. i missed you every day. i just knew that you'd know that there was something weird with me by the sound of my voice, so it was easier for me to just keep it shut. so anyway, the whole thing ended with him just being retarded. he was having issues with his girlfriend and was just lonely. yeah, it was pretty asshole of him to choose me of all people to pull this shit on, but i guess it was just convenient for him because i was around doing lab shit with him in the afternoons. the guy was a douchebag and i'm sorry that i ever made you sad with it. however, it was also easy for me to use that situation to prove my theory of only being born on this planet for idiots to use. i hated him for not actually caring about me as the friend i considered him and i was pissed for a long time. i still am, but to get over being angry, i looked at the situation as something that didn't at all connect to what happened to me 2 years ago, and in that sense, it was good. i wasn't the girl who was cheated on, and i wasn't the girl who cut herself for some idiot guy. i was just a girl someone thought was pretty. so aside from that, it was just a shitty situation and if i had any indication of something like that happening, i would have avoided him enirely because i wish that none of it ever happened.
i watched my world crack in half during the last week of school. half of my friends left me forever when they graduated and moved away and there i was sitting and watching everything suddenly go. i met so many wonderful people in this quarter who just suddenly had to go and i was a little devastated by this. their lives were moving forward, they were going places. but wtf was i doing? i don't even know wtf i'm doing now. i just know that they were moving onto things and that i was not. i had to see them as much as i could before i had to let them go and i'm sorry that i was not more considerate about this to you. i thought that maybe you might understand, but at the same time, i don't think you've had something like this happen to you. your good friends around you have always been there, and as you've gotten older, they've never really left you. i thought about you everyday, but i knew that i could either sit there and be sad about missing you---when i knew i'd see you soon, or i could get as much time as i could with people i'd probably not see again. it was exactly kinda like ending hs and having to get all of your goodbyes out for friends leaving to random places in the country for college. my world was falling apart. friends were leaving me and the lingering notion that you'd leave me too was never very far behind.
so moving on, with all of the anxiety built up inside of me, every stupid thing imaginable just annoyed the shit out of me. i think you might have noticed that or just thought i was going through massive pms, but i was plagued with wondering were i was meant to be because everyone i knew had gone off to things and places they were meant for while my stationary ass went nowhere. i loved you so much and wanted you to be so happy and so proud of having a smart girlfriend who was perfect for you and who was doing a lot of neato things in the world. at the time, i just felt so much like nothing, like i had no future, and that you should have had better. at least someone who doesn't get rocked so badly by psychological shit. my anger was only an excuse for me hating myself and i shouldn't have lashed that out onto you. i just thought that you should have someone who had their shit together. i started pointless fights when i knew the problem was inside of myself.
however, calling me matt coalson really, really hurt me. i already knew that i was being a little crazy, but to hear the person you love tell you that you're the person you hate was painful. i was so shocked by you even saying it that it only fueled more of my stupid anger and gave me another excuse to believe that you didn't need me. i probably deserved it though for acting psycho over the past few weeks. but after hearing it, i just wanted to get away from anything and everything associated with him in order to forget you even carelessly saying it. i didn't go off to europe to forget you, but i was a little happy to know that nothing matt coalson-related would be on another continent.
when i was in europe, i took so many pictures of things that i thought you'd like or find funny. i thought about you every day and i was sad when i was in italy and greece because i knew you'd like those places the most. i called you a bunch of times, but you never answered your phone. you were the only other person i tried to call besides my dad. i thought you were mad at me or that you were probably asleep because of the time difference, but i'd still call again since even hearing the voice mail made me a little happy. i didn't really email people besides you, sarah, kristen, and laura. actually, i think i only sent laura one email, ahaha. but anyway, we were in a new place every other day practically and so finding internet cafes wasn't always easy. finding one that was cheaper than 10$ for 30minutes was even less easy. i had so many things to say, stories about nicole being an idiot and about the stuff i had done each day, but i just didn't have enough time to get it all out. so i'd just say that i missed you and other cliffnotetype things because i knew i'd have lots of stories for you when i'd get back. i didn't lie to you when i said that there was a guy i liked when i was gone, but i didn't really like him a lot. it was more me liking attention. he was the guy that a lot of the other girls liked and he'd always watch out for me when our group would go out and drink. i knew that nothing good would come out of it and that i wouldn't care about him like i care about you. so that was it. that went absolutely nowhere. i'm sorry that i didn't come right out saying this when you asked me if i made out with 8i578043753 people. i was a little hurt with the fact that you'd think i would do that, but it was already hard enough telling you about the till situation, so i knew you would just be your little emo-i'm in denial that someone really likes me-self.
so many things lost in shitty communication. i told you from the beginning that none of this would be easy and that it would probably be ten times harder to do because we don't see each other all the time. i thought you cared about me enough to work with me through shittyness. i'm sorry for using anger as an excuse for me not wanting to talk about my problems. i know i said some pretty mean things only in retaliation for the things you said to me, and it was pretty childish and immature of me to do so. at the end of everyday, i'd sleep thinking about you and the stories you'd tell me about my princess and her magic ring and of the wizard boy. don't take this as me wanting you to just be my boyfriend because i'm here. that's not why i'm doing this. i just wanted to tell you that i love you and that i'm sorry i messed a lot of things up by being afraid of this. i don't know if anyone else out there will be able to understand me just by looking at me, but i guess i'll find out someday. probably not. i'm not asking you to forgive me, but if you do, do it because you love me as much as i love you and because having to wait around for the next life in order for us to get it right is just stupid. you're a wonderful person and many people will adore you. i hope that the things you move onto will make you happy and will make you feel like you are actually alive. don't give up on people, there are lots of good ones around. they're just harder to find. not everyone out there is there just to like you for your job, car, hair, or ugly elephant shirt.
honestly, i just wanted to tell you that i don't want to live the rest of my life without you.
· · · since no one seems to be addressing the nice "elephants" all over the world, i'll take the time to do it now and someday, when people finally realize and understand the magnitude of the consequences even tiny actions have on affecting others, maybe the world will make perfect sense:
---taken from a message sent to me earlier:
* If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.
* Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.
* Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.
* Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be.
* Slower is better.
* Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.
* If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can't "be friends". A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.
* Don't settle.
* If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.
* Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.
* The only person you can control in a relationship is you.
* Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently?
* Always have your own set of friends separate from his.
* Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you.
* If something bothers you, speak up.
* Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.
* You cannot change a man's behavior. Change comes from within.
* Don't ever make him feel he is more important than you are, even if he has more education or in a better job. Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less.
* Never let a man define who you are.
* Never borrow someone else's man. If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.
* A man will only treat you the way you allow him to treat you.
* All men are not dogs.
* You should not be the one doing all the bending; compromise is a two way street.
* You need time to heal between relationships; there is nothing cute about baggage. Deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship.
* You should never look for someone to complete you. A relationship consists of two whole individuals; look for someone complimentary, not supplementary.
* Dating is fun, even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.
* Make him miss you sometimes; when a man always know where you are, and you're always readily available to him - he takes it for granted.
* Never move into his mother's house.
* Never co-sign for a man.
* Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need. Keep him in your radar but get to know others.
--------------------------------------
so where are we? -----just where your silence left us.
· · · it's been an interesting month up here in nowheresville. it kinda reminds me of the oc and how marissa has all of those flashbacks of ryan burning the model home when she walked back into it to talk to kevin, who is a construction worker trying to restore it. she passed out when she became overloaded by the flashbacks and memories, and there isn't a day where i don't wonder why i don't pass out from overloading on that stuff---because it happens to me all the time.
it's amazing how much i've seen my life change in the past 4 months alone. sometimes, i have to catch my breath when i think about it. a year ago, i knew where i was, where i wanted to be, and where i was going to make myself go. i knew exactly where i wanted to be and who i wanted to be with and i knew that i was going to do everything in my power to stay in northern california. it's almost kinda like i'm watching myself from a window when i look at the fact that i'm going to go to europe for a month, something i never thought i do without certain people, and that when i get back from there, a week later, i'd be in summer school in irvine. my beloved southern california. i never thought i'd see the day where i'd be a little bt phased out by the fact that i'm not fighting to stay in northern california. simply amazing. all of my green was stolen. everything from the past year suddenly seems so distant. thank you for killing all of the spiders i was afraid of smashing myself.
there's always been something about people who have qualities that i don't that has fascinated me since...probably the dawn of time. in them, i find the strength i can't seem to hold together in certain situations. there's a part of me that's always going to be the shy retard that will come out every now and then. i've always been fascinated by people who could be strong and confident during times when i couldn't as well as those wh seem to look like they've got a strong sense of who they are....i guess probably because i never considered myself as being someone who fully understood her whole being at any given time. i surround myself by these people who have qualities i don't in the weird idea that maybe those parts of them will rub off onto me, and in some cases, it's worked. however, is it really enough to just be with someone who is everything you're not in order become whole? i used to think it was. sometimes, i still think it is. the only thing that bothers me about it now is the fact that other minor details get into the mix and screw with everything, hurdles beyond hurdles to overcome. vince told me before that one of the reasons he ever liked me was because of my ability to throw everything i've got into loving someone, and when i'm shot in the face, i somehow have the resilience to do it over and over again. now really, i don't think i have the resilience to do shit....well, not shit, but not at least this shit either. it takes a lot out of me each time and that's something i don't really show off to the world like a sparkley ring. so how is it that i manage doing all of this? sometimes, i'm not sure. at first, i thought that maybe i was just a hopeless believer. that someday, someone would see me doing all of this and for that reason, would love me when i can't love myself. i think it's all lunacy. as a child, i thought that by throwing everything into loving someone would lead me into finding someone who would love me because no one loved me at home. subconsciously, i was getting through the first 18 years of my life for that one person who i hadnt met yet. it made all of the 8923758926 things i was doing at the same time combine into one purpose and therefore, getting through it the best i could meant that i was doing it all for that one dream. i think about it now and i kinda wonder that even as a kid, if i had known one absolute truth that took years for me to understand: in order to truly be loved and to be in love, you have to surrender yourself entirely to it. there no way to half-ass it and if you are, it isn't real. this is how i do it. this is why i think i can manage getting up everytime from being thrown to the floor. there's just no other way to find true love unless you surrender yourself to that absolute power with all of your trust, dreams, and hopes. too many people are afraid of this ultimate sacrifice because they feel that either they're not being loved for who they are or because they're simply too selfish to do so. they don't even understand that yeah, it's a sacrifice that should be made, but at the same time, if someone really loves you, you'd never be asked to make that sacrifice. people are together because they find that there's that much more happiness in their lives by having that other people a part of it, and there's nothing you would be forced to alter about your life if someone loved you and really cared about you. so i guess my problem is that i've been taking that fall way too many times without stopping to tell myself that i'd never force someone i love to give up things and likewise, i shouldnt be forced to do so either. it's all a sacrifice that someone who loves you would make if they ever had to but your love for them would never ask them to. it's not enough to have someone who makes you whole. that person has to be willing fall into the act of purely loving as much as you are in order to make it work.
there once was a girl who walked down the street on a cloudy, drizzly day, looking for a jamba juice. after walking a few blocks, she came across a nice man walking in the opposite direction. she had met him a few hours before in a store, so she felt it was safe for her to ask if he knew where the jamba juice was because had not single clue of where anything was where she happened to be wandering. he said he didn't really know, but he pointed her in a direction where it might be. she smiled as she thanked him and continued on her walk down the street to find the jamba juice in the direction he pointed her in. she had no idea how this day will have changed her life. life's stilly like that. it's always the things you never think would mean anything that actually do end up becoming everything you devote your existence to.
· · · skating on some pretty thin ice up here ----and with every passing day, the magnitude of this just gets even greater. sometimes, i step back and wonder if i was really ready for all of this.
· · · hello 2006. :] i've kinda left this thing to gather a bit of dust since i now do my random bullshit posts on myspace, but whatever. every time i break into a new year a certain kind of philosophiac mode sets in for a while. i sit there and think about the things that i truly know, the things that i know are undenyably existent. this year though, i've been wondering why the list hasn't really gotten bigger. i mean, i learn more things every year--things that i'm so resistant to figureing out or realizing until years after shit happens and maybe that's a maturity thing, but i feel as though the reason why i can't seem to add to my list of real things is that maybe that's all there is. when you think you've found something pure and true, a few years later it'll be nothing, so then maybe it's full purpose was just for that moment it meant something to you. i don't think i'm really making much sense right now. it hurts to know that life can't be planned, that you can only hope to successfully prepare for shit happening and all you can do is love it and live it the way it is. maybe i'm only doing this because i'm pissed off at people who don't mean the things that they've said, things that hold so much weight that they don't realize. i never want to become like that. i want to live my life dying for what i believe in knowing that i'm doing that right thing and that someday, i'll find people as passionate about it all as i am. i thought i had found some, but it only took months to a year to find them burning out. it's depressing. there's so much more i'm meant to become, but i dont want to be the kind of person who needs to cut off others just to get to that level. when i get there, i want to know that i brought them with me--because my whole journey means nothing to me if i've got no one to share it with. selfish people piss me off. what's the point when at the end, you're left standing alone? i don't get it. maybe i never will. blah. i used to think back when i lived in LA, before i moved up to davis, that things would make more sense to me as i went on---but now, like _____ years later, i don't think anything makes anymore sense than it did back then. it just looks like everything's just covered by even more layers of complication. it took me 15 years to figure out why crying isn't always a sign of pain, only from the way i can overreact to different situaions now. but back then.....wooh nannie, it would piss me off so much to see my mother cry. but now, i know that it was probably over nothing---just like how i cry over nothing 75% of the time. it's stuff like that that seems to be tripping me out lately. i can't wait to figure out the truth behind selfishness when life's not something to be experienced alone. i might have a stroke on that day. but none the less, for now, i'll settle for the fact that those who are selfish in the way they choose to live are people who also refuse to truly grow. they choose to think that they're expanding their lives, but in reality, they're just scared shitless to do it while living with the fact that they've got something that could be lost at any moment because that takes some serious strength to pull off. ok. maybe i'm just making excuses. they could also be doing it because they're just simply heartless bastards. that'd actually be the simplest reason, but rarely do i ever believe that it's the simplest reason. ha. ok. i'm crazy. and no, i'm not drunk. xD
· · · there's so much i wish i could say, but i'm afraid that it'd probably all come out to sound nothing like what i really mean to say. i love you.
· · · there isn't a thing in this world that's priceless and easy to obtain. anything of worth or value was something that was fought for, whether it was an actual object or not. that's just how it is. i think this concept is what fueled my passion to leave that stupid house in LA when i turned 18 and i also think to applies to a lot of other things in life. i don't consider myself as being a strong person---i cry all the time over stupid things and i will not say that i had to be a strong person to get as far in life as i am today. i just always believe that if i worked my ass off to get to the end, all of the pain would be worth it. i'd have my freedom, and back then, that's all that mattered. but since then, i've taken this philosophy onto other things---like why i'm still a science major even though i hate it. but anyway, i was watching that movie on mtv that was a documentary of one of madonna's tours and stuff. there was a part where she started talking about her marriage to guy richie and she said things like.....how she felt that no one could be happy if they married the person they thought was the superficial meaning of "soulmate". a person could never be happy being with someone who is their carbon copy because neither person would be able to grow from their experiences with each other. people need someone who isn't their exact replica, but rather they need the one person who will put them in their place, make them feel every emotions possible--even the bad ones, will be truthful, and love you despite your faluts. this made me think a bit about the guys i've dated and stuff. in the beginning, i was just happy being with someone i got along with and could do fun things together that we both enjoyed---like being lazy. then, i started going out with guys who i liked because they weren't like me at all---they liked so many different things than i did and i thought that by seeing another perspective of the world, i'd somehow make myself whole. after that, i knew my goal was simple: i just needed to find someone who'd be a mix of both of those things. the idea seemed easy, but the actual task itself wasn't. too many guys trying to pressure me into doing things i didn't want to got in the way. so then i just kinda gave up---which led to me falling into the trap of a liar, someone i thought would genuinely care about me. and boy did i think that was a bad year of my life. homygoshdidiever. so that brings me to now. and that brings me to you. we're not the same, we don't like all of the same things, although we do share some interests, we both see the world differntly from each other, and somehow, we wind upi dancing in the middle of a best buy for no apparent reason. you're the middle. ---you're the middle and everything else i didn't know came along with being that person. you're so happy who whomever you're around, i didn't think i meant very much because i didn't feel like my presence changed anything. you don't need me to be happy. you've got a job that makes you happy, you've got your friends to come home to, and you've got your freedom. not only that, but you're so determined to make your dream come ture, that i'm sure you'll get there someday. but i'm just me. i'm a little crazy, a little bit of an attention-whore, a little lazy, still in school, a little bit of a whiner, and everything else. there isn't anything about me that could make you anymore of a wonderful person that you already were before i met you. the only thing i can do is love you. and now that i'm on the edge of having to lose you, i don't know how to feel. i know you're special to me because i had to go through hell in order to get to you. ---but if you feel that here isn't where you should be, i can't force you to stay. love isn't cheap or easy to obtain, otherwise it isn't real. i'd rather die fighting for it until i can't breathe anymore anwyay.
· · · feelin' crappy. --well, i felt crappy before, but that was because i felt so stressed out with so much to do....and now that that's been taken away, i feel crappy with having nothing to do. it's a lose-lose situation. i become dependent on other things that i had no problem not being there that much for me before because i was too busy to even care. but now, everything seems so....ick. blacked out. ok, maybe i feel crappy because i have a quiz and a midterm tomorrow and another midterm on thursday. yeah, maybe that's what's making me feel this way. i dunno. i got a fucking ticket last week for my tinted windows. how stupid is that? i've owned my car with the same tinted windows for 3 years, and now i finally get a stupid ticket for it. ugh. LA wouldn't do this. fuck the dpd. :] this only adds more to why i love southern california more. so anyway, i'm getting that stuff stripped off tomorrow and that kinda sucks because now my arm will sunburn the next time i drive down to LA. ;-; booooourns.
in other news, i've been thinking a lot about how i react when people get mad at me for stupid things lately. like, back home, when my parents would get mad at me for something stupid, i'd lock myself in my room and probably call kristen to tell her about or play video games or watch tv--or something along those lines. i used to hate telling robert when i'd get into fights with my parents because he'd always stick up for them and he didn't even know them the way i did.....which is probably why i'd talk to kristen about it more because she'd just listen and wouldn't agree with either side. i think that i'm more open to talking to people about myself when i feel like that person won't automatically take the other side. i mean, that person doesn't have to agree with me, but just listening to me made me feel better. ---or maybe it was just easy for me to tell kristen everything because she never made me feel really stupid, even when i did do actual stupid things *coughcough* likebackintohercarthatonefineday *coughcoughcough*. i need more people like that to talk to. whenever i feel like i can talk to someone, no one's around and when someone wants me to talk about something, i can't get myself to do it because then i feel like it's being forced out. wtf dude. typical cancer power. i usually run off and do something to distract myself when i feel angry because i know that for whatever reason i'm angry, it's probably something that only scratches the surface and it's probably something that i shouldn't be angry for. so, because i know what i'm just mad about something stupid, i keep it in and distract myself so that i come back feeling fine and happy. is this such a destructive behavior? i mean, i'd rather go to jamba juice and come back unangry than tell someone why i'm mad and have that person think that i'm just stupid and retarded. that's just me. i've always been that way because i didn't have anyone in my house to talk to when i'd feel hurt and sad, mostly because everyone would be ganging up on me even though they wouldn't even know why. i'm mad alone and i cry alone so that people won't point at me for being immature and stupid.
· · · sooooooooooo...i mentioned a "little" choice i had to make last time, right? --well. i should've known i'd pull a typical joanne so that i wouldn't have spent all that time freaking out over which to choose. i chose both. haha. i dunno if that was a bad choice, but it's been getting good reactions from people lately despite the weird deja vu feeling i have with everything. oh well. it would not stop bothering me how i didn't see it to the end, so here i go to do so. :D at least i can go through the first round of midterms normally. x.x haha. wtf dude. so anyway! i FINALLY got my damn 150 back from judi! yaaaaaaaaaay! it took almost half a year for her to do it, but i finally got a check from her with a whopping 10 extra dollars! :D yaaaaaaaaay. that'll be good for paying for .....things. haha. so anyway, i have a fucking physics quiz in like 9 hours, how lame is that? you'd think i'd be used to this weekly quiz thing seeing as how this is my third and last quarter of physics that i have to be in, but no. i still find myself every week going "oh shit...haha, oh yeaaaaaaaaaaaaah". school is stupid. davis is stupid. i just want to live in mister bed all day long with my darling and eat some vanilla pudding in the process. is that too much to ask for? first round of midterms is next week, starting of with health psychology on monday, cellular metabolism on tuesday, physics quiz and bacteriology on wednesday. on the % scale, i'd say this sucks 50%, a lot of this stuff is memorization of processes while the psychology stuff is all stuff that just makes sense to me, so hopefully it won't be so bad. i miss my daaahlinguuuuuuu ;-; *sniffle* i don't get to seem him this weekend and you'd think that not seeing someone for 2 weeks doesn't seem that long, but it really is. x.x if you're reading this, I LOVE YOOOOOOOOOOOU :D haha. ok. i'm gonna go back and study before you get mad at me.
· · · i am not crazy. i repeat, i am
not crazy. :] kbye.
okay, well, maybe just for specific purposes, i am a little crazy.
· · · so i think i've been thinking too much again--and you all know how that leads me into my giant pit of doom. i don't know if it's because i'm all weirded out by not having much of a summer break because of school or if it's because i'm 3/4 of the way done with ucdavis. maybe it's a little of both. i did pretty well in summer school though! i got a B and a B- in my classes, which is the best quarterly gpa i've ever had in davis, although it didn't really raise my overall gpa much higher. x.x but whatever. i keep thinking that i'll be doing the whole school routine forever, which makes me pissed and annoyed---but when i think about having to do some job everyday, i still get mad and annoyed. haha, wtf. i don't want to be there and i don't want to be here either. i'm such a weirdo. but anyway! some stuff has been bugging me lately. i just got an internship at a hospital in sacramento where i get to work with hospitalized kids and i think it'd be pretty good for experience for the future, so i'm happy that i got it. at the same time....they're asking me to come back---and they've done so much to lure me back in! they keep asking me stuff about if i'm going to whenever i see any of them. on top of that, i HATE not finishing shit. so i don't know. is it worth giving up my internship? i could get another one later, but i have one NOW--and it's a 2 quarter thing, too. so...i know it will probably mean a lot. i don't know. judi still hasn't paied back the 150$ i lent her in june. wtf dude. that makes me mad. i asked for it back by the first day of september because i needed it, and she still didn't give it back. she just stopped talking to me. did she think i would just forget about it? ugh. it makes me so mad. i mean, i wouldn't be pissed if she told me that she was unable to pay it back for some reason--but she says NOTHING, and so that's why i'm pissed. i dunno. grrr. oh well. that covers my nice deed for the summer. --but it's not like i'm in a position to be shelling out that kind of money to anyone whenever i want. ugh. i don't know what to choose, i didn't think it'd be this hard. is it even supposed to be hard at all? i feel like i haven't done anything actually worth mentioning if i was ever asked to tell someone one significant thing i've done with my life. i always kinda imagined that the things i'd be doing by the time i was this age would be so much more.....different. more random, more--something else, but at the same time, i can't even think of how i'd change anything about myself or my life as it stands. i can't just not go to school. i can't just not walk out with a biology degree even though i hate school.
ah, so anyway. yeah. davis still sucks. nicole moved in next to me and even though i've only been around her for 2 weeks, she's already irritated me. she uses my stuff without asking. >:| i can't really snap at her though because she's never lived out on her own and since she transfered here from santa cruz, she's so dependent on lulu as a friend. it's kinda annoying. lulu would never come over here for anything, we always had to go over to her---but here she is coming over to pick nicole up to go to the store, coming over to watch movies with her, and yada yada. wtf dude. i don't think lulu has a problem with me, but i think she's babying nicole until she's settled more in davis. whatever.
i think there's something wrong with me. haha, i know i say that a lot--but i think there is. i noticed that somehow in the past 3 years, i've changed. i don't know if i want to call it shutting down, but it reminds me of that. i was so much more social and not afraid of being in a room with a bunch of people i didn't know. i was used to it. lulu and i would walk into a room not knowing anyone and would walk out a few hours later knowing more than half of the people there without any problems. i don't know if it was because i refused to let myself be shy or if it was lulu's loudness rubbing off on me. maybe i'm just being silly. i went to dave and busters for the first time with my boyfriend [ who is SUCH a sweetheart! i'm not kidding. too many girls out there believe that there aren't genuinely nice guys out there anymore, and trust me, he is one of those guys. seriously. i saw him ask a woman in the grovery store parking lot if she'd like help getting her stuff into her car. o_o ... :D <3 i love him very very much---haha, in case you can't tell yet ]last weekend and some of his friends from work....and i just felt weird for 80% of the time pre-alcohol consumption. i felt afraid, but i had no idea of what. i'm fully aware of where i stand against other women, and i had no reason to be afraid of anything. --haha, it's kinda funny you know, because in la canada, EVERYONE is raised to impress every person they meet because that's just how snooty we from the LC are, but there i was i guess feeling paranoid of what they thought of me. i'll admit that i've quieted down over the years, but maybe not being around another girl like me in such a long time made me feel a little nervous of being seen as that snobby bitch kind of girl. just because we were raised to look like one, doesn't mean that we are one. ._. i felt a lot better after drinking a bit---and i won a ton of tickets doing some token-dropping game. he must've thought that i was being rude to them. ugh, and here i go feeling sorry for being a retard. maybe not. he's so good at talking to random people without being shy. i used to be. ah well, maybe it's one of those things that come with a girl detatching herself from the drunken partylife in college to be with a guy who actually cares about her. i dunno. maybe he can fix me.
so another thing that's been on my mind: how freaking weird it is to look at pictures of yourself and others taken when you were like 11 years old and comparing them to now. jess and kevin: if you ever read this, though i doubt you will because i don't even think you know it exists :D ---you have been warned, it may embarrass you. but it's okay! i'm embarrassing myself in the process too. <3 so...
this lovely snapshot was taken when i was like...12. I LOOK LIKE SUCH A BIG NERD. HOLY CRAP. HAHA, CHECK OUT THE HUGE GLASSES ON ME. i have no clue how i turned out
to look like the girl in the middle of this. crazy, right? OH! BUT IT GETS EVEN BETTER! you see that little boy with his head crowding into my left shoulder? well, he's turned out to
to look like this. that little boy, kevin--my peanut, is going to be one hot guy when he grows up. he's only in 9th grade now, but wtf dude--he used to be half my height and now he's so much taller than me. >:| BUT THE REAL KICER! ---is the girl in the first picture that's on the far right with the dark blue striped shirt. i've known all of those kids since i was 6 and practically since all of them were born and we still live on the same street today---well, not the girl holding the white piece of paper in the plaid shirt, her family moved to carlsbad when i was in 9th grade. so about little miss jessica! i've known her forever because her house is across the street from mine and it burned down when i was 6 years old. i remember it all too---but her family restored her house a couple years later and moved back in when i was 8. she's only a couple years younger than me---but what i want you to notice is how much of a goober she is in that picture. HA, get ready...
here is a picture of her now. WHAT THE FUCK, RIGHT? SHE DOESN'T LOOK AT ALL THE SAME. JKDSBGFKJDSBGKSJDG. i mean, WHAT THE HELL, i wish i had turned out to be that hot by the time i turned 18 too--but i apparently seemed to retain some of my nerdlike-ness ^^;; NOT FAIR. JESSICA ANN CAMPBELL. I AM JEALOUS. IF I HAD KNOWN THAT ALL OF THAT WATERBALLOON THROWING, UNDERWEAR FREEZING/HIDING, ROCK THROWING, LEMON TOSSING, TWIN ORDERING AROUND WOULD MAKE ME TURN OUT THAT WAY, i would have done more of it. xD haha. well....speaking of funny though! the little girl holding the 2 pictures and looking really stupid is now fat. like...fatter than me, which is funny and ironic at the same time because she used to make so much fun of her twin sister, the girl in the overalls, for being a bit overweight while she was a freaking stick. ha! it's funny how things turn out. :] it's times like these where i want to make myself become famous just so i can be on tv and be all IN YOUR FUCKING FACE, HA. it's also kinda weird and interesting to know that none of those people will ever experience the crap i went through and i'll never experience their crap likewise. and all we ever did was own fernglen ave. for over a decade.
blaaaaaah. i feel so plain, i've been without highlights in my hair for over a year and it feels kinda weird. i haven't been without highlights for so long, and i started putting them in when i was 16. i know i've had one shade of color in my hair for over a year, but it still feels kinda weird to me sometimes. so anyway, i guess i feel kinda better now. :] i dunno if it's all the peanut butter cups i've been eating while writing this or all of the picture shuffling i've been doing.
this is a crazy one of what happens when a tiara-obeseesed girl goes against your everyday pirate. :] well, she's not an everday pirate, she is a captain of the girl's field hockey team here, but yeah. xD you get the point. And,
seeing this picture always manages to make me smile. <3! how do i manage to go through each day without making my head explode from thinking too much? x_X
· · · in relation to academic achievemt, my dad told me today that i've "got one up over jennifer" today. WHAT THE FUCK DUDE. great. it's only taken me 21 years, a major i royally hate, and a school in a town i can't stand, ---but dammit, apparently i've FINALLY beaten the infamous jennifer figueroa who was little miss "i've gotten straight a's all through high school and went into davis as an animal science major, but then switched to theater because i failed chemistry and ochem" TEEFUCKINGHEE. damn. this is like the lamest achievement i've ever had. i knew that me not getting straight a's in high school would prove to be good anyway. i should go drink myself silly. kthnxbye.
· · · okay, so....due to my laziness and lack of motivation to drive myself back to socal, i'm going back with kristen and mike when mike comes up here to visit us in a week or so :D which means that i'll be home for like a week ...WITH NO CAR. this may end up extremely disasterous, seeing as how i'll have no means of escape should i start fighting with the parents, which will probably happen, but whatever. i kill one week at home and then it's onto vegas! again for my friend's birthday :D but i'll only be there for like 2 days, so it's no big deal. and now presenting:
princess kissyface :D people wanted to see the lovely tiffany necklace i got for my birthday and there it is! isn't it adorable? it's not just one of those common ones like that one with the heart tag that looks like a dog collar. :B i love it! the best part is that the lock in the front that says T & Co. is also the clasp. pretty nifty. :B that picture also has the guess sunny's i got myself because my other pair of sunnys broke while i was in vegas. and the tiara's just there ...just 'cause. i look like shit in that picture, i'd been cleaning stuff for hours when i took that. so anyway. i was blobbing around my baby's house for the weekend, went to a nice bbq in hayward and met some more cool people while hanging out with my lovely asian squadm, and then came back to davis to ATTEMPT to clean my room, loft, and upstairs closet...because my shit is all over those areas and i want it to look somewhat decent before the new roomies start moving in. that, and i was tired of stepping on shit during my tired-waking up-walks to the bathroom, which is less than 10 feet away from my bed. it's taking me so long though AND i've thrown out SOOOOOO much shit. ugh. i've barely gotten through half of my room and my deadline for my room, closet, and loft is friday. x.x ugh. i probably won't get through it all, but i hope to get through most. i also went and laid out by the pool today for an hour and for some really crazy tanlines. o_o it weirded me out. i used to have to be out for like 5 hours in order to barely tan and now i can apparently get some pigment from just one hour. i guess that's cool. i dunno. now i have tan lines and i hate those. my ass is white >:| dammit. if i didn't feel bad about paying the 20$ to lay in a tanning bed naked, i do it. but i think that since i was only out for an hour today that the lines will probably fade pretty soon. ah well. i'm just happy that i can see some of the carpet on the floor in my room for once. damn, i had a lot of books and notebooks and paper all over the damn place. it was insane. more to do tomorrow. AND ANOTHER THING: i've gone into another eating frenzy again. i wake up at like 2pm and have eaten like crazy in the afternoons for the past few days and it's weirding me out. o.o wtf dude. for example: i woke up today at 2pm, laid out by the pool for an hour, came home, and ate a box of bagel bites and a few cookies when i came home. a few hours later, my roomate jeff has this craving for kfc, so i go with him and get 8pc honey bbq wings and large mashed potatoes. a few hours after that, i eat a bowl of special k and have a few mandarin oranges. ---WHAT THE FUCK DUDE. i usually eat this amount of stuff over the span of 2 days when i'm in school and have shit to do. being a lazyass is a bad, bad thing. i'm gonna change my name to sloth, i think. ok whatever, i'll stop whining when summer school starts for me in august. it'll make me quit going to be at 6am, at least. oh, but one awesome thing about being on my lazyasstime is that i finally catch the show beyond belif: fact or fiction on the scifi channel again! it is one of the BEST shows ever put on t.v. in my opinion, even if it is a little over the top with how sppoky they try to make it. all of you should try to see at least one episode. hmm...what else have i done....OH, i bought a few new cd's: hawthorne heights, new foo fighters, and new all american rejects. i haven't heard all of them yet, just the all american rejects and it's pretty good. i've always liked their stuff. oh! and never drink fat bastard chardonnay, it's terrible. lulu and i bought a bottle of it a while ago just because it was called fat bastard and it sucks ass. i've been going to sudwerks every week since i've been back in davis from vegas and it's pretty fun, only because a crapload of people i know go there every week too. it's kinda cool now being able to go because i'm 21. lulu's not and won't be until january, but she's been going since spring quarter because she's friends with some of the bouncers and i'd be all "wtf does she see in going to that place all the freaking time?" i only go once a week though, so don't any of you think that i've become some crazy alcoholic. yeah. that's about it. so now i leave you with a picture of
lucky, the bear my baby won for me while we were wandering around excaliber.
· · · i stare at pictures of my gamblor to keep myself happy. i'm freaking bored in davis and i've only been here for like 2 days. davis stinks. the rest of norcal stinks when certain people aren't even there. home in LA stinks because i'll probably get into fights with the parents. ugh. i don't know where to be, but i know that being in davis just stinks. poutpoutpout and more pout.
· · · so, i came back from vegas from a flight that left yesterday morning at 6am. in order to stay awake to get to that flight, i didn't go to bed at all on the nght of july 4th and i just played slut---err, slot machines, some roulette, and more slot machines until i had to go and leave my superhotnessboyfriend in vegas to do his poker thing. ;-; i was there for a week, and it was the bestestestestestestest birthday ever. more details later. i got way sick on my last two days there, which sucks majortime because every freaking pill i've been taking like alieve or nyquil has beeen doing jack shit for me so, i'm kinda freaking out over what's wrong with me. blah. oh yeah, i took some nyquil at like....1 am and it hasn't put me to sleep. does that mean that my alcohol tolerance is higher than the amount put into those pills? haha, ugh. whatever. so anyway! along with the supercute! tiffany's necklace, juicy couture purse, guess sunglasses, giant stuffed bear named lucky who smells like he smoked like 5 packs of cigarettes on one day, and awesome time i had with my sexy jellybeans away from california, i decided that i had to get off of my ass and change the freaking layout on this. ---also, the fact that i think kim finally deleted the background stuff for this from her site because she still hates me for the dumbest reason ever [ only on la canada people, only in LC will people ever hate you for stupid shit ] kinda boosted me to change it up a bit. it's annoying when your stuff is all blended in with the background and you have to highlight the text to read it. grr. ugh. so yeah. i changed it----THE ONLY THING THAT SUCKS THOUGH is that i've added to the pile of archived stuff pages which will forever make you have to highlight the text in order to read it. dammit. fucking background deletion made my white font blend into the background and there's no way i can edit that---or i just haven't figured out how to edit shit in archives, if that's even possible. oh well. at least it's still there. damn, i've been writing in this shit since 2001. HAPPY 4TH BIRTHDAY ROXY_QUIKSILVER/VOLCOM/VALVALIS! haha, yeah. started out in lj when i was 17, moved to dj, and wound up in here for the free layout altering abilities. i'll be damned if i move into xanga---that'll just mean that i've become more AzN, and lord knows that being more asian would mean that hell has added a frozen layer onto its surface. oh yeah, and HAPPY 21ST BIRTHDAY TO ME <3 <3 <3 <3 AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY JELLYBEANS TOO! ok. it's like 6am now. i should probably try to sleep, though i'll probably end up waking up at 6pm and be fucked over tonight as well. aaaahhhhhhhhhh. x.x it feels weird being home from a week in the nation's ashtray. le sigh.
