· · · i hate you. i want you out of my life forever. i cannot wait until the day that i no longer feel the memory of you haunting me.
· · · i went to the oc fair a couple days ago with julie. i had never been there before, but i was majorly impressed with the number of people attending and the shear size of the whole event. it started out with us seeing this gigantic horse, weighing over one, i repeat, ONE TON. it was incredible---and incredibly sad. HE WAS HUGE. LITERALLY. like.... a FREAKING BEAST. the interesting thing was that he was not only huge, but entirely proportional. so like....standing next to him, i felt like i was in big land of super mario 3. it was depressing because he looked awfully sad and tired. his eye was tearing and people continuously kept flashing pictures and he was roped onto a fence very close by. he didn't even have room to sit or turn his head because of the cord. it made me sad, thinking of how he must be all day...every day....standing there while people just scream and flash pictures at him. i couldn't even bring myself to look at the giant steer after seeing him.
after that, i tried to perk up by trying some of the deliciously fattening carnival yumyums, including the infamous....turkey leg. that thing as also massive, i couldn't believe how many of those people were grilling at the same time. it was amazing----and kinda over cooked. after that, we watched a "hypnotist" show which was pretty funny, especially when you could figure out who was faking it and all. i played a couple games and won a turtle [ kip, short for kipling ], a stewie, and a couple new roomates! i won a pair of goldfish from one of the games and named them euphemia and schneizel. schneizel only survived a couple days even though i had bought them food and cleaned their water. i was pretty sad that he didn't last so long. i'm hoping that euphemia does. she seems to move around a bit more than he did, so maybe if i get a bigger tank for her, she'll do even better, but she likes being positioned in front of the tv. i see her staring at it a lot. i only went onf one ride and down the gian slide. i felt kinda awkward---like, it was weird knowing that i used to not be afraid of heights and now i am. i hate that feeling, it's like something weird has come over me. ---but overall, i had a pretty fun night.
in other news, i'm SLOWLY getting over my cold/flu/whatever it was that attempted to make my body go insane. i was feeling nostalgic and ended up tripping across something an old friend once wrote:
oh, how lucky you must be. you still lost.
have what you may have, but .... you could have had me.
t h e . d i s t a n c e . w i l l . k i l l . y o u .
i could have been that thing.
that thing you still have.
trying came easy. not for you.
"it hurts; it really does."
if only you knew. i normally don't feel this way.. don't know why i don't feel good.
a shallow thing / Tuesday, April 23, 2002 / 06:09 p.m.
"sometimes"
sometimes i want to just lie here
and never get up, so i don't have to face the world
because as soon as i lift my sheets
from my naked body
i am once again alone, and insecure
not at all sure of myself..
and certainly not sure of anything else in the world
but sometimes
sometimes
sometimes i wish that i was just like everybody else
in that empty ignorant bliss
so i wouldn't have to face myself in the mirror each morning and think,
"what have i become?"
but then i look back and remember;
the way the shadows played on your face,
the way you made me smile when i'm feeling down,
and the way you would tell me that you cared, sometimes...
only then does it hit me -- the dark, brooding truth of the matter
.. you're no longer here for me either.
and that's why sometimes,
.. sometimes, i wish i'd never been born at all.
i was reminded of how insightful my friends and i used to be, before the fakeness of society got in the way. sometimes, i miss that. i feel like this entry of his reflects a lot of how i feel now. the pain, the dejection, ---the part where you know you just have to go, but don't want to. all of it. his entry even goes into explaining it better in this section:
i can't really say that i care about you, your sad little problems, or your petty fucking relationships and love-affairs. and that goes for all of you. tired of it all; tired of the drama. no one is ever sincere anymore. why does every day have to be such a production to everyone? so exaggerated and mutilated and out-of-proportion. i just can't grasp the concept.. .. why society isn't reality, instead of some sickening distortion of itself. whatever happened to open honesty? you should never be afraid to be yourself. because regardless, there's someone out there searching for someone just like you. being forced to live day-to-day struggling against this vile world of material objects and appearances alone, makes me want to vomit. being a reasonably good-looking person myself, i cannot complain about some of my experiences of a purely physical nature; but also, being the (sometimes) insightful person i am, i see that both external and internal individuality are important. and i also see that most things that we cherish for their monetary value alone are only here to conceal our deep-seated feelings of sorrow and incompleteness -- which brings us back to the topic at hand -- it is the exaggerated importance we place upon these very same physical possessions (be they money, cars, clothes, etc.) that are at the root of these negative and self-cancelling emotions in the first place.
.. We continue to uphold these sick, twisted schemes of conquering the world, while in all actuality, we are the one who are relentlessly beaten down and raped by this beast we call society; And yet, we're all -- each and every last one of us -- too blind to see what we are to become in the end. And so, we are forsaken at birth, doomed to simply be. But alas, this is perfectly acceptable. There is no specific reason that we were put here; we breed and mingle to simply exist. Nothing more, nothing less.
thank you victor for empathizing with me--circa 7 years later. i hope you are doing much better these days, where ever you are.
· · · in keeping up with attempting to go back into updating my life for the world to see and for my own personal record, i've decided to document my "wonderful" experience with .....velashape! hahah. velashape, for those of you who don't know, is what i'd describe as a fat-sucking, skin-smoothing, vaccuum cleaner! it's actually this machine that honestly LOOKS like a one of those steam cleaners, but is the only FDA-approved, non-surgical device used for the reduction of cellulite. ---it's basically an alternative to lippo. rachel ray called it a "hoover for your caboose". it works by using heat, deep dermal suction, and radio frequency to smooth out skin while making it more tighter by stimulating deeper skin cells, thus eliminating that dimpley, cottage-cheesy, cellulite look anywhere on your body.
you may be wondering if i honestly think i'm fat enough to actually NEED something like this. the truth is, i don't really consider myself fat, although i believe that since high school, at least ONE person in my life [ be it my idiot brother, or a guy i've dated ] has made a joke about my toosh. i've always tried to not take it personally and tried to be happy for having hips and the impending "curvacious" figure i would soon fill out the the older i became, but really-----again, this isn't to be confused with me THINKING i'm fat. i don't. i just feel like i don't look like MYSELF. i used to be super tiny back then and although i have always understood that part of growing up is growing into an adult figure, it's that uncomfortable feeling you get when you realize that something is different about YOU. i like having curves, i like having a small waist, i like being able to make tank tops look hot, but i HATEHATEHATE the drama that goes into finding a freaking pair of jeans that just FIT and i mean like...FIT the curvature of my lower half. it's like i'll find certain places have jeans that make my butt look good, but they're way too long or the situation where the jeans fit my hips really well, but the thigh region is so wide it looks like they're too big for me. -----but MOST OF ALL, i hate that the my curvyness is the number one reason why "low rise" jeans really aren't "low rise", instead, they're "let's show everyone my crack rise".
so anyway, i had acually been doing a lot of research about velashape, what it does, and how the results turned out from the clinical trials. they say that on average, there was a circumfrental decrease of 3 inches from test subjects. now, i don't really know how much these people weighed beforehand, but i'd imagine that if this machine does what is says it is supposed to do, that it would be easier for people with a lot of excess fat to show significant results within their time frame. i understand that it's harder to lose weight or even get rid of the look of cellulite the smaller you are. from reading all of this, i figured that i'm really not fat, so i probably won't really show that much of a difference, buuuuuuuuuuuuuut, if it means that i can contour my curves to look hot in ANY jeans, it could be worth it.
so a couple days ago, having already been in a little bit of a sappy mood, i figured that velashape was just another bullet on my list of "things i want to experience" [ which has actually become massvine since i've lived in irvine ] and dammit, i needed to start doing some of those things and stop thinking about trying it some other time. luckily, the nearest spa that carried it is only 2 minutes away. after the initial consult, they started my first session [ there are 10 total ] right away! aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand whoa did it feel...interesting. they describe the procedure as a "warm deep tissue massge", but is was more like that x50. it started out that way, but over time, the heat and suction became increasingly intense. by the end, it was like someone was taking a hot iron and driving it into my legs in an up and down motion. i mean, since this IS the "lippo alternative" i shouldn't have been surprised that there would at LEAST be a little bit of pain. but yeah, it was weird. after, my legs felt REALLY warm, but my skin was incredibly soft. sooooooooo, we'll see what happens. exercise is supposedly going to make the results turn out better, but i'll jump on that train when i'm fully over this "pseudo flu" thing i caught a couple days ago.
busybusy. i've been keeping myself busy by coming up with all kinds of plans that i'd like to fill out in the future.
· · · i recently rediscovered something i had writen for someone else while i was designing her --definitely now unused blog: no matter how much you can ever think about it, at the very last detail, it all comes down to just being human; just being you and everything that comes with that. i am all that i am and all that i'll ever be --but don't get me wrong, that doesn't mean that i won't put up a fight to have my imagination's delight. it's the dream that's kept me right here.
i've been thinking about my recent change in the way i preceive the world and people around me. i wonder if it's something wrong. i believe in the promises i've made and the faith i've invested in people before. that will never change. those things are as important to me now as they have always been. i just find it curious that i don't seem to be able to invest myself like that into the new people around me. i find myself to be choosing the more guarded path and i don't know if it suits me very well. i remember that i had once been so willing to care about everything and everyone. i guess this is where consequence takes the lead over passion.
